He asked me at least 3 times if I was sure I could do this. No, I am not nearly as helpless and I am making myself sound but there are two big reasons I do not do the shopping-especially at Wal-Mart-without Bill:
1) I have a pretty severe inner ear issue that causes me a lot of pain, sound problems, and vertigo when I go into a store.
2) I somehow attract creeps when I am in a grocery store alone. I am not a particularly sociable person and I know of no reason why these men seem to have a fondness for me.
I assured Bill I could make it in Wal-Mart on my own. My hair had not been washed in a few days (Shampoo was the reason I was going to Wal-Mart in the first place. I had a coupon!) and I was wearing a super large hoodie with dirt, sweat, and snot all over it. I also had on no makeup. I was sure I looked like someone who was coming in to buy sedatives after a 3 day drug binge. Usually I find this helps keep the creepy men away. The creeps tend to stay away when I look creepier then them.
1 minutes after I arrived, I was walking down the cleaning product aisle. So far my plan on looking like the wicked witch of Clayton was working and people were moving out of my way. All I needed was a sponge (Free with coupon), some heat patches ($0.49 with coupon), shampoo (Almost free with coupon), and a bottle of KY Jelly (free with coupon) and then I could leave the black hole known as Wal-Mart.
Side note: I always love buying KY jelly. Anything you buy with KY jelly, except maybe condoms and a gerbil, go great together. Whenever I see people buying lubricant, I always try to imagine them using it with all the other items in their cart. One of my all-time favorites is buying KY Jelly and a toothbrush. A cashier once actually confirmed with a customer that they knew they were purchasing lubricant and not toothpaste. In yesterday's shopping trip, some people might have thought I was creating some sort of fantastic dildo using heat patches wrapped around a bottle of shampoo-- the sponge will of course be used for cleanup.
Back to the story. I almost made it to the sponges. Almost. But that was before this guy pushing a shopping cart in front of me suddenly decides to turn and do a sharp 180. My video game skills kicked in and I jumped out of the way like a fierce ninja (Imagine Lucy Liu in "Kill Bill"). The man apologized and explained he had no clue where he was going. I smiled and said "No problem" and quickly continued towards my spongey goal.
Side note: From my experience in the wild wonderful world of Wal-Mart, you should never stay in one place for too long. Staying in one place for more than 20 seconds is basically the same thing as the mating call of a wild female rabbit. In 21 seconds, you will look down and realize that some man is humping your leg. Just remember: 20 seconds-- That's all you get girls.
Back to the story. I made it to the sponges! Shit--- where is the coupon that tells me which sponge I have to buy? oh crap--10 seconds goes by. Where the fuck is the coupon? 15 seconds. I'm sure if I was a sweaty person then you would see little beads of sweat pooling on my forehead.
I don't sweat though because that's another way to release additional pheromones into the Wal-Mart air flow. Sweating will cause you to have two men humping your legs while a third man is trying to collect your sweat for his creepy art project involving the Virgin Mary.
Back to the story. Sponges. 15 seconds. You get the point. Well somehow I must have hit 20 seconds right as I found the stupid coupon. That coupon wasn't worth my time because at that exact moment I hear "You look so familiar. Have you been to Zaxby’s in the last 2 weeks?"
Zaxby's? Really? Do I look like the kind of person who craves nasty, dry ass, over-priced chicken? And why are you talking to me? This is what was going through my head as I realized my 20 seconds was up. Then I realized the guy talking to me was not only creepy, but must work at the home of nasty, dry ass, over-priced chicken! What a winner he was.
I knew something was very off about this man--but in an innocent mentally challenged way--so my good nature kicked in and I tried to be nice rather than run away screaming bloody murder. I explained that I had not been to Zaxby’s and that I did not get out of my dungeon much but thanks for asking. During all this talking I am trying to keep my ear from exploding why picking out the correct sponge that will work with my stupid coupon.
Stupid coupon. It was not worth the $0.03 I made off of buying it. Sometimes when you are couponing you really have to outweigh if a coupon for a free item is worth the risk of going deep into the untamed jungles of Wal-Mart. In this case, it definitely was not. Lesson learned.
So we have a very small conversation and he tells me how I should come visit him at Zaxby’s. I try to be nice but then I excuse myself by saying I am very busy and got shit to do (Perhaps I said it more eloquently then that). Then I walked at a very brisk pace to the opposite end of the store to find my other items. I was looking for the heat patches only to look up and find him standing there smiling at me with his sheepish, toothless grin.
STRANGER DANGER! RUN!
So I ran to the auto section. And guess who showed up acting like he was interested in buying a seat cover? I'm sure the hello kitty seat cover would have done wonders for his eyes but I had no desire to let him know this and instead I ran to the toy section.
Just a few seconds later and there he was again, this time in the toy section, browsing the action figures. At this point it became a game of hide and seek. I would hide in a new section and he would show up within seconds acting like he belonged there. I was somewhat enjoying this game until I realized it was an incredibly creepy game of hide and seek and I should cease and desist immediately before I am raped somewhere between the chip aisle and the dog food.
So I headed back to the shampoo aisle which luckily was pretty busy with Wal-Mart employees stocking shelves. Not that our Wal-Mart employees here in Clayton could do much since they are all 80 year old women, but at least I felt like I had someone who could call the cops for me--even if they called the cops very slowly and had a hard time punching the 9 button on their rotary phones.
I cowered when I heard him talking to one of my Wal-Mart ladies one aisle over. Where the hell is Bill? He was only going to get gas! And right at that moment- like some sort of miracle- Bill appeared. He should have had a halo over his damn head. I have never been so in love with this man in my whole life. Thank God for Bill. Creepy guy tried to come up my aisle again but saw me talking to Bill and walked on.
That's when it got even creepier. He kept walking by the aisle every 10 seconds or so, staring at me for a second, and then would walk away. It was like something out of a really bad horror movie. I really wish at this point I had marbles or something to throw down so the next time he walked by he would slip and fall. I guess I could have just squirted shampoo everywhere and that would have had the same effect. It totally would have been worth the $30 in shampoo and Wal-Mart banning me from their stores. Too bad I didn’t think of it at the time.
So Bill and I collected our items while creepy guy stalked us from a distance. It was kind of like having a feral dog follow you home except this was one of those ugly hairless dogs with one eye popping out and gnarled teeth. Not the dog you want to bring home to moms.
But wait! We almost forgot one very important item. My free K-Y Jelly! How will I ever make a heat wrapped shampoo-bottle dildo without the K-Y jelly to help lube it up?
So we headed for the condom aisle. That's when a small miracle happened. As creepy guy was walking by the aisle to see what I was doing, I grabbed a big box of x-large condoms. "Will these fit or will these be too small?" I asked Bill.
Creepy guy disappeared after that and was nowhere to be found. I decided I had found his kryptonite!
I thought the incident was finally over. I thwarted creepy guy and found his weakness. Yay for me!
But when we went to check out there he was again- two people in front of us in the checkout line. He saw me, smiled, and did his creepy guy wink.
Side note: Why do creepy guys always have creepy winks to go with their creepiness? Is this something they teach you in creepy guy school? Or is it something you are born with? Perhaps we should submit all male infant children to a winking test. If they wink all creepy like, we should immediately send them off to their own island. Maybe Australia will take them.
Another Side Note: And why do creepy guys always have a tooth or two missing? Perhaps this is why they are attracted to me. I have a tooth missing as well on the side but it is not THAT noticeable.
Back to the end of my story. After creepy guy gets checked out he sat and chatted with the cashier instead of leaving. I assumed he was waiting for me to get checked out so that he could find out where I live and complete his plan of making a full body suit out of my skin.
The cashier did not seem thrilled at all that creepy guy was still standing there talking to her. I imagine her trying to decide in her head how hard it would be to get a restraining order against him and if she would lose her job over it. At least that’s what I would have been thinking if I was in her shoes.
Right before the cashier finishes checking the guy out in front of me, creepy guy amazingly walks away and never says a word to me other than giving me another creepy wink. Between Bill and the x-large condoms that might be too small for Bill’s phallus, I must have scared him a bit and he finally decided that I, Heather Stewart, might be the creepier then him and he should leave.... Or so that’s what I was hoping. But then Creepy guy gets half way to the other end of the store, turns around, looks right at Bill and I and yells "And just what are you two doing tonight? Huh?"
Creepy.
The Conclusion: Why creepy guys = Bugs
Eureka! This is perfect for women trying to pick up a man! When a man tries to come up and talk to you just yell "Wait! Please allow me to spray some of this can of Raid on your leg to ensure there is no creepiness. As long as you do not go into convulsions and die, you can have my phone number AND buy me a cocktail."
Alas, the world shall be free of creepy men all thanks to Raid pesticide. So say we all.
Update: A good friend sent me this video. I thought it was quite fitting.
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