Jesus is watching you pee.

When Bill and I first moved in together, we badly need artwork for our new apartment. Ikea had not yet come to the east coast so where else would we go but good old Wally World? They had super cheesy $1 framed art.

So we went to Wal-Mart at 2am (It's the only good time to go), grabbed a handful of artwork without really looking at it, (I love oxford commas) and came home to put our masterpieces on the wall.

When we got home and started flipping through our new montage, we realized we had inadvertently grabbed at least 3 religious photos. All three were disturbing prints of Jesus. What the hell are we going to do with these?



The pictures looked a lot like these three...except without the question marks. The question marks represent my aporetic contemplations.



We got these pictures right around the time the conspiracy with Catholic priests and young boys was going public so they were doubly disturbing.

I was afraid it might be sacrilegious to return these awe-inspiring pieces of art so we instead decided to keep them. No sense in me being burned at the cross because I am trying to return pictures of Jesus being hung on a cross.

And the other reason these pictures are so damn disturbing is that Jesus is ALWAYS WHITE. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist's daughter to know that Jesus was all but white. Considering they did not have dentists or whitening trays back in those days, I doubt there was even a speck of white on that man. I am pretty sure the white's of his eyes were all red and blood shot from stress and lack of sleeping.

Aren't Christians not supposed to lie? So why do they lie about Jesus's skin color?

And don't give me that bullshit about how these are just representations of Jesus. I understand that we really don't know what Jesus looked like--he could have had a uni-brow, 4 fingers, three nipples, and a huge wart on the end of his nose for all we know. BUT the one thing we do know is he was NOT white.

If it is ok to draw bullshit impersonations of our savior then this is my illustration of the son of God:

Yes, he is brown, has a red trident, hooves, horns, pink highlights, and really big ears. He kind of reminds me of the big bad wolf right after he eats little red riding hood.

And here is my representation of me:

And I would like for you to meet my husband Bill:

And here's a few more artistic depictions:

This is the house we live in....



This is a photo of our wedding



These are our two dogs: Tripp and Daisy

 





This is where I work.



This is how cute bugs are



Do you now understand my frustration about white Jesus? It's a big fat lie!!!

Back to the Jesus pictures we bought. We decided the best place to hang up our Jesus artwork would be in the bathroom. That way we could make everyone feel REALLY uncomfortable when they go to pee and Jesus is watching you whip your junk out. Now we don't have to worry about lingering guests. I also assumed that any overnight guests would abstain from masturbating while Jesus and children were watching them....at least I would hope so.

When people would try to complain or excommunicate me for heresy, I would just remind them that God is everywhere so technically he is always watching you pee and masturbate. No one had a good argument to this so the Jesus pictures remained until we moved out of the apartment.

Side Note: These were the first items we sold when we had a garage sale. The buyers were a very, very old couple. I did not give them the back story as I felt it was inappropriate and I really wanted that $0.25 I made.