What Do Hamsters, Clowns, and Flowers have in Common?

It was starting out to be a good day. In fact, I thought today was going to be a phenomenal day. The first email I read confirmed that I had caught a nasty mistake and we were able to fix it before any harm came. It was indeed a great day until about 3 o'clock this afternoon when I got a nasty email from one of my customers about my performance.

Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE my job. I have had quite a few offers with other companies, making a much higher salary, and I have turned them down because I can't imagine leaving my company. I almost NEVER get complaints about my performance. You can call 95% of my customers and they will tell you how awesome I am and how much the company has changed since I was hired 4 years ago. My customers send me thank you cards and gifts in the mail. I have one customer that actually emailed Sprint and told them they need to fire Dan Hesse and make me the CEO of Sprint. I am good at my job and I know it.

Move over Dan. I'm coming through!

.....But you can't please everyone.

Today- a day that started out so well- was the one day a year where I got my complaint. I never handle these well because, of the four complaints I have had in the four years I have been at this company, all four of them had really nothing to do with me or anything that I actually did wrong.

For instance, my first complaint was from a customer who told the owner of my company that I was "useless". The owner of my company stood up for me and the conversation went something like this:

Customer: "She's useless!"
Owner: "Well...well...you're useless!"
Customer: "NO! YOU'RE USELESS!"
Owner: "How dare you! I'll show you useless! Good day sir!"

(This is the part where the owner slams the phone down. I also imagine all this yelling took place in a British accent although neither one of them are British)

And exactly why was I so "useless" according to this customer? Because I couldn't change the caller ID on his phone to display the correct name. His last name was spelled "Smit" instead of "Smith".  I was not the one who screwed up his name in the first place and I had no access to the caller ID system. I had to rely on the carrier to change the caller ID and -NEWSFLASH- cell phone carriers really suck at doing their job. If they didn;t suck at doing their job, then I wouldnt have a job. I really wish I had just changed his name from "Smit" to "Douchebag"

After I get complaints such as the the one from today, I think about all the things I have done wrong and all the mistakes I have made while working for my company. Yes, I make mistakes from time to time. But no one ever complains or freaks out about the mistakes I actually make. People only complain about my performance when its a situation that I have little to no control over.

DAMMIT I AM TIRED OF BEING BITCHED ABOUT WHEN IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

So today, I would like to write about all the mean and nasty thing that I would like to say to this customer. I need to let my anger out. If you know me, you also know that when I get mad I tend to say some pretty outrageous and explicit things. Here are today’s choice of words for that choice customer of mine. I also included some pretty pictures to help you get an idea of feelings.

1) "I’m going to grow a dick so you can suck it"

A picture of me growing a dick:



Butternut Squashdick


2) I told Bill that I was "going to be putting my customer under the table.” Bill's response was “Do you mean you are going to put him in his place?” and I answered “No—I am going to put him under the table so he can suck dick ”




This is my customer. As you can see, he is ready to be put under the table.



3)" You are a dumb ass. Literally—your ass is dumb. Your ass is so dumb that it had to drop out of ass school  and become an ass clown"

4) "I need you as a customer about as much as I need herpes and a pair of anal beads"

5) "Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries" (Thanks Monty Python)



Mommy?

6) "If you were a flower, I would piss on you"

 <Insert Picture of me pissing on a flower here>

This concludes todays bitching. Thank you for taking the time to read my useless ramblings.