Christmas Lights are for Poor People

Ever since I started this blog, people have been asking me where I get my twisted sense of humor from. Honestly, it's not hard when you grow up around a bunch of sick and twisted individuals. Here are some examples of some of the strange advice I received growing up.

Please note: this advice did not come from me, nor do I always agree with it. Although I agree with most of it. Especially the part about vaginas and grandma.

  #1.  Boys are good for one thing: Carrying your bags through the mall

    #2.  If you ever get in trouble with the police then you need to cry.  Think of whatever makes you so sad that you are forced to break down in tears. If you have to think of dead puppies, do it. If you have to think of you mom being gunned down by a group of Nazi bastards, do it. 90% of the time the police won't know what to do with you and you will get off easy.

    #3.  Always be pessimistic. Then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. (Perhaps this is an optimistic way of viewing pessimism?)

I want this book.

    #4.  Do drugs-- but don't do more than one type of drug at a time.  In other words, try ecstasy and try cocaine but don't try them at the same time. Mixing drugs are how people die.

Noms = Death

    
    #5.   Marijuana is not a drug. You can mix any drug with Marijuana. In fact, I highly recommend you mix it.

Not a drug

    #6.  Don't ever strive to be the best. Strive to stay in the middle. It's less conspicuous there.

Zebras got it figured out yo.

    #7.  Christmas lights are for poor people.

    #8.  Vaginas look like old wrinkled grandmas so don't ever shave all your pubes. Note: I believe this piece of advice was a great way to ensure I never became a lesbian.

    #9.  Always take time out of your day to sink someone's battleship.

Even if it's your 6 year old's Lego battleship. The bastard deserved it.

    #10.  Invest in Pogs. Eventually they will become legal tender.

    #11.  The internet is hard

So don't forget your hard hat moron.

    #12.  Frogs will always pee on you if you pick them up. If you drink it, you might get high.

Dill Pickles is the street name for Frog Piss.

    #13.  There is no #13. Just like a hotel.

    #14.  Everyone knows #14 is actually #13 but no one wants to admit it.

    #15.  Don't try to meet up with someone that you met on the internet. It's dangerous. After all, he/she might be drinking frog piss. 

 

UPDATE: One of my faithful readers sent me this picture. They thought it was a more accurate description of vaginas and old wrinkled grandmas. Thanks you sick bastard:

 UPDATE 2: Picture had to be removed because it was far too vulgar.