No One Needs Ponies

Everyone always talks about the apocalypse, particularly the zombie apocalypse.

Apocalypses are happening all around us but we fail to see them. Why else would there be such a term as "Galactic Cannibalism".--A favorite apocalypse of mine.

Nom nom nom

In 2012 we have experienced the Galapagos Island Turtle Apocalypse. Check out the link below if you somehow missed this riveting article:

Famed Galapagos Tortoise Lonesome George Dies

I also find it endlessly amusing to watch the tomato hornworm apocalypse that happens every summer in my garden. These hornworms are literally eaten from the inside out by parasitic wasps. Some of the wasps are even know to inject a virus into the worm's brain that basically turns the worm into a zombie. It is fascinating and you should watch the video below if you have never seen it:

But I think we should start preparing ourselves for a pony apolcalypse.

Question: Who needs ponies?
Answer: If they aren't paired with rainbows and butterflies--NO ONE!

Which is exactly why we should be keeping a close eye on ponies!! The most dangerous animals in this world are the ones with nothing to lose.

What if ponies became zombies? Do you think you could survive the pony apocalypse? You wouldn't be expecting a bunch of blood thirsty, brain eating ponies would you? Sure, you were prepared for humans eating humans but you weren't prepared for a 600 pound miniature horse that wants nothing more than to slurp on your intestines like spaghetti!

In reality, humans probably could survive a pony apocalypse because no one really need ponies. We would just need to make a highly deadly pony poison that would exterminate all ponies from the face of  the earth. No one would really notice the missing ponies except maybe little kids on their birthday. Just give those kids a pony pinata filled with candy and they probably would forget about the whole thing.

Of course you would have to deal with door to door salesman coming by saying "Hello Sir. Have you sprayed your home against ponies recently? You know, you have to be proactive when it comes to pony poisoning."

Could you survive the door to door pony poison salesmen?

As I write this I am hoping that this post will get really popular and some guy will snort bath salts, read this blog, and go eat a pony. Then you can all gush over my power of persuasion and thank me for saving some poor sap's face.

Hell Hath No Fury like Heather's Head.

The orcs are coming over for a cup of tea.

I have no idea what that means. It was just the first thing that popped in my head.

For the first time in my life, I have Nothing interesting to write or talk about because Nothing interesting is happening. For the past few months I have been fighting my body for control and I'm not winning. However, my body's victory over my mind might not be such a bad thing considering it is my body winning and not another person's body. No rape here.

 My body has suppressed my intellect and my imagination....but I don't want to talk about that. In fact, I don't want to talk about anything at all because Nothing interesting is happening.

I just want to play on my pan-pipes and drink me some wine. But fate will not allow this, so I sit and write about Nothing.

..........

Do you see those dots? They are Nothing. My head is filled with a bunch of those dots. They are swimming around in the void and attacking each other. Nothings are attacking nothing. Nothing is sacred and chivalry has been dead a long time...just like mind....which explains why the dots are there.

It all makes sense now. Or maybe it doesn't make sense because sense died with chivalry.

The dirt ball is in your pocket so take off both your damn shoes.

But what if nothing is sacred because it is Nothing? In other words: Nothing = sacred. Nothing that is a void. Nothing that is a noun. Does Nothing being a noun make it a something? Does the fact that I made Nothing a proper noun because I capitalized the N mean it is something? Should I capitalize the S in the word 'Something' and therefore make it a proper noun as well?

Nothing, in terms of a void, seems pretty damn sacred to me. Our minds can't wrap around Nothing so wouldn't that make Nothing sacred?

Then perhaps Nothing is God

Which is sacrilegious. And sacrilegious  is a word derived from sacred. Which is Nothing.

Eureka!




Update: I just broke open a fortune cookie that had Nothing inside. The fortune cookie might be God.

Good thing I ate it before we all suffered the wrath of fortune cookie, Nothing God.

It's times like these I wish I had Tourette's Syndrome

I always wanted to make this into a coffee table book. Maybe even a cool pop up book where you turn the pages and a big conversation bubble pops up that says "Shit!" or "Fuck!". For now, this blog will have to take place of my awesome pop up book.

It's times like these that I wish I had Coprolalia:

(Coprolalia:  The uncontrolled or involuntary use of obscene or scatological language)

 

When you want them to open up more lanes at Wal-Mart and you want to cashiers to pick up the pace so you can get out of there.

When you are sick or hurt and tired of sitting in the ER waiting room

When you want to skip the security line at the airport...and you want an excuse as to why you can say the "B" word

When you no longer want to answer the phone at work.

When your aspiration in life is to become a drill sergeant.

When you want a really good excuse as to why you don't go to church.

When you are talking to the DMV lady

When you don't want to make a speech at your best friend's wedding.

When a Jehovah Witness comes knocking.

When you want everyone to stay out of your bubble.

Can you think of any more situations where Tourette's syndrome might come in handy?