A message to my boss

I sent this picture to my boss tonight after I had to work late. I thought it was funny so I figured I would share.

Suicidal Snowman

My dog is addicted to frog

Sunday:

Monday:

Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Thursday:

Friday:

Saturday:

Later that Day......

Don't let this be you. Talk to your dog about the dangers of frog.

Damn you Thermodynamics. I like it when it's cold.

 This is what I look like when my husband brings home my favorite white wine:

And this is what I look like when I realize he forgot to buy the white wine that was already cold:

The End.

I want to murder a penguin

Earlier this week I wrote about a rare and powerful day when I felt adorable.  No one liked it. 

So I thought I would go back to the dark humored Heather that you all know and love. Darkside has been tuned in. Enjoy.

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Have you ever had one of those days where you are fed up with the way things are going and you feel like the only way to make yourself feel better is to murder something as cute as a penguin?

Because I feel this way all the time.

Penguins are so delightful and cuddly which is exact opposite of how I feel right now. For some reason, my reaction to this contradictory existence is to murder a penguin in the hopes that its death will somehow make me feel cute, cuddly, delightful, or maybe even warm and fuzzy inside.

Common sense unfortunately tells me that by no means would I feel warm and fuzzy after killing a penguin. I also don't want to find out what would happen to an inmate who is imprisoned for penguin murder.

But day after day I am haunted with thoughts of brutally murdering an adorable, wild animal. Something will always upset me and I will think, "I'm so angry I could...

 

OR

AND POSSIBLY

OR EVEN

 

I think about murdering a cute and furry creature so much that I might be considered psychotic at this point. I know murdering woodland and seafaring creatures is bad but I just can't help myself . They always seem so damn happy. I have tried to erase these kinds of thoughts....After all, I am a huge animal lover.

But the next time my computer crashes.....

Or the next time I get a papercut.....

And possibly the next time my husband forgets to bring home milk....

Or even the next time my mother calls.....

Killing imaginary wild animals by violent and awful means is fun!  Try it the next time you're angry!

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Psoriasis is adorable and so am I!

Sometimes you just have those days when you wake up and you're like

But not today

And it's not because I ate a whole pie for breakfast

And it's not because I drank 2 bottles of wine all by myself.

It's because I woke up this morning and realized

That's right. I am adorable on the inside and out.

Even though I have psoriasis on my chest,

spider veins on my legs,

and the mouth of a sailor,

I'm still adorable despite these shortcomings. In fact, my shortcomings are what make me adorable. If you would like to argue with my new found enlightenment, then you can

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I Like Pie

I like pie. (Pie with an E. Although I like Pi too as the header to my blog suggests)

I like chocolate, lemon meringue, banana cream, apple, berry, cookies & cream, pumpkin, pecan, and key lime pie. In fact, I like any type of pie.


 One time I had pie in the desert. I called it dessert in the desert. It was fun.

This is a picture of me & my hubby just minutes after eating my dessert in the desert.

I like pie so much that my female dog is nicknamed "Pea-Pie":

Pea-Pie

and my male dog is nicknamed "Poo-Pie":

Poo-Pie

Poo-Pie does poo a lot but he doesn't actually poo in pie. (Thank goodness!)

If I could eat pie everyday, then I would. My entire fridge would have nothing but pie in it.... And maybe a gallon of milk because milk goes good with pie.

Even though my teeth would rot and my weight would increase drastically, I would still love to eat pie three times a day.

I would marry pie if I could. However, I would not defile pie like they did in the movie "American Pie".

I hate that movie.....

There is a special place in hell for people who do this.

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The Island of Alaska, Part 1

I was never good at geography. I always figured I had more important things to learn about than where the hell a country, city, or state was. Due to these misconceived notions, I thought Alaska was an island until about 10 years ago.

I'm certainly not dumb. I honestly don't know many stupid people who enjoy trying to connect Loop Quantum Gravity and String Theory in their spare time. You ask me to determine the eigenvalues of a matrix than I can certainly do it for you but if you ask me to point out where Columbia is on a map and we got problems.

And just why did I think Alaska was an island? Well, posted in just about every grade school textbook I owned was a picture that looked just like this:

OR

Hawaii is an island, Puerto Rico is an island, the Virgin Islands are obviously an island, so wouldn't Alaska be an island based on the map above?

Strangely enough, I knew that Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands were not actually states despite what the map above infers. I knew the 50 states, I just did not know where they were located.

Use the link below to pull up a Google Image listing of "Map of the United States" and count how many images show Alaska as an island:

Maps of the United States of America

From what I have gathered, most kids had the same maps in their textbooks but eventually they looked at a map of the whole world and realized that Alaska was connected to Canada. Perhaps other kids had better teachers than I had who explained the history of Alaska and how it came to be the 49th state. That will teach you to send your kids to expensive private schools like my parents did!

In reality, I just didn't care to pay attention to subjects such as Geography. After all, I had planets to discover and scientific theories to disprove. I'm sure you can imagine the embarrassment I felt the day someone clued me on the geographical location of Alaska and I realized I am not nearly as omniscient as I thought I was. That is a story I will share later in part 2 of "The Island of Alaska". Part 2 will be written after I have had some time to let my ego build back up.

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Note: This is probably the most embarrassing thing I have ever admitted to. It has taken me nearly 10 years to come to terms with my asininity. However, I have accepted my lack of locus skills and now I find my ignorance in the matter to be comical. Please feel free to poke fun of me all you want.